An ode to homer

Cover of "The Simpsons Movie (Widescreen ...

Cover of The Simpsons Movie (Widescreen Edition)

No not the greek poet. Watch the simpson’s movie and chief wiggam almost shot himself while eating donuts. Something homer and I share is a love of donuts. So I’m thinkin of that I’ve never had is fried cake donut. Not sure if they’d fry up right, but I figure the idea’s there always room to experiment.  The dough will probably be a bit sticky so flour whatever you use to cut the donuts. So here we go homer’s donut.


Homer‘s donut

Mix oil and egg in a bowl until combined, add in baking powder, sugar, salt, and flours and fold together unitl it forms a crumbly mix. Slowly stir in brandy, moonshine and milk. Flour your hands and turn out onto floured board and let sit in the oven for 2 hours. Roll dough out to desired thickness (I’m thinking 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick, anything thicker might leave the center raw and uncooked.) and either cut out with a cookie cutter or a tin can, or a cup. Cut out as many donuts as you can get, might be some left over, can twist it together and you can make donut sticks! Heat oil in a pan until you can stick in a bamboo skewer and it bubbles vigorously, or a cube of bread browns in a minute. Lay your donuts a few at a time in the oil and fry until golden brown flipping with a spider half way through cooking. (Probably 3-4 minutes, maybe more depending on thickness) Once cooked, remove from pan of oil and roll in cinnamon sugar. (My cinnamon sugar is 1/4 cup white sugar, 1 tablespoon cinnamon and 1 teaspoon apple pie spice) Knowing homer like I do from watching the show, I think a glaze would be required, a simple glaze of 1/4 cup milk, 2 cups cinnamon sugar, and 1 teaspoon of apple pie moonshine be awesome. Definetly not healthy, but sounds like something homer would enjoy.


Brady’s hail mary sandwich

Ok…your not going to like this, but I know us guys will absolutely go crazy. This is my Brady’s hail mary sandwich. We start with pull apart, beer cheese and mustard bread….YES you heard me right…beer…cheese….and mustard bread…Onto this we add bacon, ham, more cheese, lettuce, tomatoe, mayo, and of course….mushrooms and onions that have been sauteed with a bit of red wine vinegar. So here’s the sandwich bread.

8 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/2 cup plus 2/3 beer guinness draught
5 cups all-purpose flour, divided
2/3 cup rye flour (use additional all purpose flour as sub)
4 tablespoons granulated sugar
2 packages instant yeast
2 teaspoon table salt
4 large eggs, at room temperature

6 tablespoon unsalted butter
2 tablespoon spicy dijon mustard
3 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
2 Dash of srarchia
2 teaspoon mustard powder
2 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon table salt
some black pepper
3 cups shredded sharp cheddar

In a small saucepan, heat the butter and 1/2 cup of beer, just until the butter has melted. Remove from heat and add the remaining 2/3 cup beer. Set aside to cool down slightly. You want the mixture warm (110 to 116 degrees), but not steaming hot.

Stir together 4 cups of the all-purpose flour, sugar, yeast and table salt. With the mixer on low, pour in the butter-beer mixture, mixing only until the flour is moistened. Add eggs, one at a time, and mix until combined. The batter will look lumpy, but will become smooth in a moment. Add the remaining 1 cup all-purpose flour and all of the rye flour, mixing until just combined. Replace paddle with a dough hook and let the machine knead the dough for 3 to 4 minutes on low.

Oil a large bowl and transfer dough to it. Cover loosely with plastic wrap and set aside for 50 to 60 minutes, until doubled.

I love to do this ahead by also resting the dough in the fridge overnight — wrapped tightly with plastic. The next day, let it rest at room temperature for an hour before rolling out.

In the same small saucepan you used for the butter and beer, melt the 6 tablespoons butter. Remove from heat and whisk in mustard, Worcestershire and hot sauce until smooth. Set aside.

In the bottom of a medium bowl, stir together mustard powder, paprika, table salt and some ground black pepper. Add shredded cheddar and toss until grated strands are evenly coated with spices. I like to keep this in the fridge until needed so it doesn’t get soft and clumpy, making it harder to sprinkle over the dough.

Either coat a 9-by-5 loaf pan lightly with oil or a nonstick spray and set aside.

Turn dough out onto a well-floured counter and roll the dough into a 40-by-24-inch rectangle, making sure it doesn’t stick to the counter by lifting sections and re-flouring the counter as needed. Brush the butter-mustard-Worcestershire mixture evenly over the whole surface, right up to the edges. Cut the dough crosswise into 5 strips; each should be 12-by-4 inches. Sprinkle the first one evenly with a heaping 1/4 cup of the grated cheese. Gently place another strip on top of it, coat it with another heaping 1/4 cup of cheese, and repeat with remaining strips until they are stacked 5-high and all of the cheese is used.

With your very sharpest serrated knife, gently and I mean gently! The lightest sawing motions the weight of the blade will allow! — cut your stack into 6 to 7 2-inch segments (each stacked segment should be 4-by-2 inches).

Arrange stacks of dough down the length of your prepared loaf pan as if filling a card catalog drawer. I make this easier by standing my loaf pan up on its short end to make the next part easier. If, when you finish filing all of your dough stacks, you ended up with less than needed for the dough “cards” to reach the end of the pan, when you return the pan to rest flat on the counter again, just shimmy it a little so the dough centers. It will all even out in the final rise/oven. If you ended up with toomany dough cards, before you add the last stack, simply press gently on the dough already filed to make room for it.

Loosely cover the pan with more plastic wrap and set it aside to rise again for 30 to 45 more minutes. Meanwhile, preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

Bake loaf for 25 to 35 minutes, until puffed and brown. Transfer it to a wire rack and let it cool for 5 minutes before flipping it out onto a serving plate/cutting board. Serve warm with cold beer.

Loaf pulls apart the best when it is hot or warm. If it has cooled beyond the point that the layers wish to easily separate, simply serve it in thin slices.

Now slice up your ham, cook your bacon, add bacon, ham, more cheese, lettuce, tomatoe, mayo, and of course….mushrooms and onions that have been sauteed with a bit of red wine vinegar. Put together and your golden for the next game with your friends.

Bacon, rum, oatmeal, and raisin cookies

English: Raisins. Español: Pasas.

Image via Wikipedia

Ok….this is an odd recipe. Believe me though it’s a good one. The saltyness from bacon, the sweet of raisins with a kick of rum, with this nutty oatmeal it’s just heaven. Give it a try it’s something you’ll love to peices. They will be a big hit at parties, and they will disappear really fast.

8 ounces sliced guanciale or pancetta, cut into 1/4-inch squares
2 1/4 cups cake flour
teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1 cup (packed) dark brown sugar
2/3 cup sugar
1/2 cup olive oil, room temperature
2 large eggs
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup old-fashioned oats
2/3 cup Golden raisins raisins soaked in 1 cup dark rum

Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper. Cook guanciale or pancetta in a large skillet over medium-low heat, stirring occasionally, until deep golden brown and crisp. Using a slotted spoon, transfer bacon to paper towels.

Whisk flour and baking powder, salt and baking soda in a medium bowl. Using an electric mixer, beat both sugars and butter in a large bowl, occasionally scraping down sides, until well blended, 2–3 minutes. Add eggs one at a time, mixing well between additions. Add vanilla; mix on medium speed until pale and fluffy, 4–5 minutes. Mix in dry ingredients.

Fold bacon, oats, and raisins (without the excess rum) into batter and stir until evenly incorporated (dough will be sticky; chill briefly for easier handling, if desired). Using  a ice cream scoop and forming dough into balls, scoop batter onto prepared sheets, spaced at least 3 inches apart. Chill dough for 1 hour or cover and chill overnight.

Arrange racks in upper and lower thirds of oven; preheat to 375°. Bake cookies, rotating pans halfway through, until edges are light golden brown and centers are still slightly soft, 20–22 minutes. Let cool on baking sheets for 10 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack; let cool completely. do ahead: Can be made 3 days ahead. Store airtight at room temperature.

Mmmm golden raisins with a sweet rum flavor to them, oatmeal…bacon….what’s not good with bacons?

My seafood jambalaya

Creole Jambalaya with Shrimp, Ham, and Andouil...

Image via Wikipedia

It’s no secrete I love seafood. I love it all, but it wasn’t always that way. I used to hate squid. Well this is one of the few ways I eat my squid now a days.

1/4 cup butter
10 ounces andouille sausage, halved lengthwise and cut into 1/4-inch half-moons
1 cup diced onion
1 cup diced celery
1 cup diced green bell pepper
1 1/2 teaspoons minced garlic
1 (6 ounce) can tomato paste
1 (14.5 ounce) can diced tomatoes
2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce (such as Lea & Perrins®)
1 1/2 teaspoons Cajun seasoning (such as Tony Chachere’s), or to taste
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
4 cups low-sodium chicken broth
2 cups medium-grain rice
3/4 pound shrimp, peeled and deveined
3/4 pound calimari tubes sliced into rings, celophane bones removed.
salt to taste
1/3 cup chopped fresh parsley

guanciale and corn griddle cakes

Another none traditional guanciale breakfest recipe. Yay guanciale! A delicious roman bacon meats a griddle cake! Yay!

Guanciale and corn griddle cakes

8 slices guanciale, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1/3 cup finely chopped sweet onion
1 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2/3 cup milk
1 large egg, beaten
1 tablespoon canola or vegetable oil
1 cup frozen, canned or fresh corn
1/2 cup shredded Monterey Jack cheese

In a skillet, cook the guanciale pieces until they begin to brown. Add the onion and continue to cook until the guanciale is crisp and the onion is softened. Scoop out a heaping tablespoon of the guanciale mixture for topping the griddle cakes upon serving and set it aside.

While the guanciale is cooking, combine the flour, chives, baking powder, salt and pepper in a medium bowl. Stir in the milk, egg and oil, just until moistened. Stir in the guancale mixture, corn and cheese. The mixture will be thick. If you’d like the griddle cakes to be slightly thinner, you can add a little more milk to thin out the batter.

Heat and grease a griddle or large skillet. Pour a heaping 1/4-cup of the batter onto the griddle and cook until it is golden brown- 3 to 4 minutes per side. Repeat with the remaining batter. Now to eat it….serve a stack like pancakes top with the reserved guanciale and onion and then eat however you like. Can add maple syrup or some honey, or real vermont sugar maple syrup.

Slipper limpet cakes

your right…I am going there! Slipper limpet cakes. Delicious little things. Slipper limpets are a type of snail. Yes these are snail cakes. Don’t run away. These are much better then the snails your thinking of.

Slipper limpet cakes with tartar sauce.

first, the garlic butter….

Just melt and simmer some sliced garlic in it for 5 minutes. Very simple.

Second…many will ask what is a slipper limpet…Well it is a species of medium-sized sea snail, a marine gastropod mollusc in the family Calyptraeidae, the slipper snails and cup and saucer snails. This is a common snail, usually found intertidally, infralittoral and circalittoral and in estuaries. They will be between 0-70 meters deep in the water. They are known to damage oyster beds and the oyster fishery.

Interesting little fact on slipper limpets..they are hermaphroditic. The largest and oldest animals, at the base of a pile are female, the younger and smaller animals at the top are male. If the females in the stack die, the largest of the males will become a female.

They are often found, sometimes living stacked on top of one another, rocks, on horseshoe crabs, shells and on dock pilings.They are salt water mollusks. Sorry those in the grain belt. You will not find them in stores.

Third…why snails instead of clams…lots of local stores don’t know the difference between a cherry stone and a chowder hog. A cherry stone is a very small quahog clam…a chowder hog is as big as quahogs get…chowder hogs are very tough, and need to be cooked for a long time in a chowder. I’ve not made many friends with local diggers, most of who are con artists and I do not hide that fact from their customers. These local diggers sell chowder hogs as cherry stones at chowder hog prices….there customers ask for 30-40 cherry stones and end up over paying big time. The result usually when I go clamming locally, I end up with slashed tires, profanity keyed on the car, broken lights, smashed windows, and no side view mirrors. So I must drive 26 miles to bristol to go clamming, and there is some danger, the british bombarded bristol with cannon fire long ago. These cannon balls are still in the mud, and they are very dangerous, they can explode when struck. They are reminants of the revolutionary war. They are from british 9 pound cannons. So I tried to find an alternative closer to home without suffering damage to the car, or my self.

Ok now, let’s get to the recipes.

Special dust

2 1/2 tablespoons paprika
2 tablespoons salt
2 tablespoons garlic powder
1 tablespoons cayenne
1 tablespoons oregano
1 tablespoons italian seasoning
1 tablespoons crushed red pepper flake
1 tablespoons onion powder

Put into a canning jar and cover with the lid and ring and shake it well.

my tartar sauce

1 cup mayo
2 tablespoons onion
2 tablespoons relish (equal amounts of sweet pickle relish and hot pepper relish)
1 tablespoon oregano
1 tablespoon dijon mustard
1 tablespoon spicy brown mustard
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
1/4 teaspoon lemon juice

place all ingredients into a bowl, and mix well. Put in fridge.

slipper limpet cakes

1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon dust
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup garlic butter
1 egg
2 tablespoons water
3 tablespoons green shallots
1 tablespoon onion
5 garlic clove plus 2 additional cloves to make garlic butter, also need a cup of butter to make the garlic butter

1 1/4 cup slipper limpet meat. (it pry out with your finger, and don’t eat the stomach, just want the suction cup foot.)

Combine egg, milk, butter, water, cayenne, dust, and salt in a bowl and mix. Add onions, garlic, green shallots, and slipper limpet meat in a blender process to a rough chop. Add flour to the egg mixture, then top with slippet meat mixture and whisk together. Then add in baking powder and whisk and drop onto a well greased baking sheet with a tablespoon.

You cal also deep fry them, but I think their better baked. Place them into a preheated 350 degree over for 30 minutes.

I got photos…and I got videos.

Link to photos of slipper limpets cakes

And now….video…Of course I tossed them onto youtube. The following videos are in order from first stages to the last. They are short videos, I know some have older computers.

last video)

My firebite chili

We’ve all heard of frost bite….well….have a spoonful of this insanely spicy chili will take the chill out of your bones….2 will give you firebite.

26-1/2 pounds lean ground beef (To make it firebite wild chili, use venison, boar, squirrel, rattlesnake, rabbit, any none store bought none farm raised meat you dare try. Raised on a farm is not wild lol.)
105 ounces tomato sauce or 10 1/2 cans if you don’t have homemade
5 pounds kidney beans or 5-1/4 (15 ounce) cans kidney beans, rinsed and drained
5-1/4 green bell pepper, seeded and chopped
5-1/4 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
5-1/4 medium onion, chopped
10-1/2 cloves garlic, chopped
5-1/3 cups Guinness Foreign Extra Stout or Guinness Draught or get both drink one and use the other!
20 new mexican trinidad scorpions, seeded and chopped, but don’t remove the white inner membrane
10 naga viper, seeded and chopped, but don’t remove the white inner membrane
10 red savina habaneros, seeded and chopped, but don’t remove the white inner membrane
10 orange habaneros, seeded and chopped, but don’t remove the white inner membrane
10 piri pirir, seeded and chopped, but don’t remove the white inner membrane

Dump seasoning

1/2 cup paprika
1/3 cup and 1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon seasoning salt
2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons dried jalapeno
2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons dried bolivian rainbow peppers
2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons onion powder
2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons garlic powder
2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons ground cayenne pepper
2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons seasoned pepper
1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon dried thyme
1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon dried oregano

mix dump seasoning until well mixed….

Place the ground beef in a large pot over Low. Cook, stirring to crumble, until lightly browned but still raw. Drain off grease. Place the pot over low heat, and add the onion, garlic, peppers and kidney beans. Cook and stir for a few minutes. Stir in the tomato sauce and water, and season with 1/6th of the dump seasoning. Simmer over low heat for roughly 1 hour and 30 minutes.

Add dump at these times during the cooking process in 1/6th amounts.

1st dump…immediately

2nd dump 10 minutes

3rd dump 20 minutes

4th dump 40 minutes

5th dump 1 hour

final dump 1 hour 30 minutes

These dumps….will add different layers of spices…not that it matters will probably burn through you like acid. The chili is done when you can dip a spoon in it, and pull the spoon out and hold it side ways with no dripping, and you can run your finger over the back of your spoon making a streak and the chili sauce holds and doesn’t run into your nicely made streak on the spoon, and the meat is fully cooked through….may take longer then an hour and a half….Just keep an eye on it. DON’T FORGET TO STIR OR IT WILL BURN!