An ode to homer


Cover of "The Simpsons Movie (Widescreen ...

Cover of The Simpsons Movie (Widescreen Edition)

No not the greek poet. Watch the simpson’s movie and chief wiggam almost shot himself while eating donuts. Something homer and I share is a love of donuts. So I’m thinkin of that I’ve never had is fried cake donut. Not sure if they’d fry up right, but I figure the idea’s there always room to experiment.  The dough will probably be a bit sticky so flour whatever you use to cut the donuts. So here we go homer’s donut.

 

Homer‘s donut

Mix oil and egg in a bowl until combined, add in baking powder, sugar, salt, and flours and fold together unitl it forms a crumbly mix. Slowly stir in brandy, moonshine and milk. Flour your hands and turn out onto floured board and let sit in the oven for 2 hours. Roll dough out to desired thickness (I’m thinking 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick, anything thicker might leave the center raw and uncooked.) and either cut out with a cookie cutter or a tin can, or a cup. Cut out as many donuts as you can get, might be some left over, can twist it together and you can make donut sticks! Heat oil in a pan until you can stick in a bamboo skewer and it bubbles vigorously, or a cube of bread browns in a minute. Lay your donuts a few at a time in the oil and fry until golden brown flipping with a spider half way through cooking. (Probably 3-4 minutes, maybe more depending on thickness) Once cooked, remove from pan of oil and roll in cinnamon sugar. (My cinnamon sugar is 1/4 cup white sugar, 1 tablespoon cinnamon and 1 teaspoon apple pie spice) Knowing homer like I do from watching the show, I think a glaze would be required, a simple glaze of 1/4 cup milk, 2 cups cinnamon sugar, and 1 teaspoon of apple pie moonshine be awesome. Definetly not healthy, but sounds like something homer would enjoy.

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sugarless pumpkin oat bread


Well with the latest smear campaign against me, I decided to finally put things to bed. So here’s my recipe which inspired my sugarless pumpkin oatmeal cookies with pecans. The ones that are the subject of the smear campaign. My bread calls for some unusual things, apple and banana flour. What is apple and banana flour? It is dried apple and banana chips that have been ground into flour using a blender or mill. This recipe makes 12 loaves and generally is only made by me during the holidays. If you’d like to see the recipe that’s gotten me the smear campaign which I believe is nothing more then a publicity stunt on their part, you can view that here. My recipe target of a vindictive smear campaign.  Before I get smeared for this bread recipe, I’ll take the liberty of explaining why I used the ingredients in this bread. The apple flour is a natural sugarless sweetener providing your using unsweetened apple chips. Olive oil is rich in antioxidents and other goodies believed to fight off cancer, as well as heart disease. It’s also got a pleasing flavor. The egg whites is mainly cause again, my doctor wants me away from egg yolks. The pumpkin is cause usually around fall I have a bumper crop of pumpkin. The spelt is easy to digest, and the older relatives some of which have a gluten allergy can’t have regular flour. The mashed banana helps bind everything even the flour version helps. Though if you are using banana flour I recommend adding a bit of water, or apple juice or apple jack until the dough feels right to you. Cinnamon, allspice, cloves, nutmeg, ginger and vanilla, all spices contained in pumpkin pie spice and I tend to like pumpkin pie spice with pumpkin, think any and every American likes these spices in their pumpkin pies and pumpkin bread. Coconut is delicious with pumpkin, and unfortunately since I’m allergic to nuts yet not allergic to coconut, I just simply can’t get enough, expecially toasted. It adds a crunch without the nasty allergic side effects, like death. I prefere to add steel cut oats or even swap out half oats for an equal amount of chocolate cause well oats, chocolate and pumpkin just taste good. The pink and red sea salts add a great flavor, and are filled with good healthy minerals. I’ll use red or pink salt or just omit. At one point I had chest pains up until a few years ago and have done my best to completely eliminate salt from my diet, and the high blood pressure and chest pains stopped. Baking powder and baking soda are required to make this quick bread rise, otherwise it be just too dense to enjoy.

Further more, and I hate to do this, but since I do like the offending parties vanilla extract I’ve been kind enough to link you to her recipe. Just click vanilla extract in the recipe list below.

Sugarless pumpkin oat bread

7 1/2 quarts ground apple flour (see commentary above)
2 1/2 cup olive oil
30 egg whites
10 lb pure pumpkin puree (fresh is best, but canned works too)
7 1/2 cups spelt plus extra for kneading
5 quarts mashed banana or banana flour (see notes)
2 1/2 cups cinnamon
1 1/4 cups allspice
3 1/3 tablespoons freshly ground nutmeg
3 1/3 tablespoons ground clove
5 1/2 tablespoons baking soda
1/2 cups fresh grated ginger
1 1/2 tablespoons pink himilayan or red alaea hawaiian salt
2 1/2 tablespoons baking powder
3 1/3 tablespoons pure vanilla extract
2 1/2 quarts coarsely chopped pecans (optional)
2 1/2 quarts shredded coconut unsweetened (toasted)
2 1/2 quarts chocolate chips or steel cut oats (optional, steel cut oats is healthier)

Preheat oven to 350F.Add coconut in single layer on a cookie sheet and bake until lightly toasted (5 minues) Turn heat to 375F With extra olive oil in a cheap spray bottle spray 12 bread pans that measure 9 by 5 by 3 inches. In a large bowl add in all dry ingredients, apple flour, spelt, allspice, freshly ground nutmeg, clove, salt, grated ginger, cinnamon, and banana flour if using. Add olive oil and ground apple flour in a bowl until blended. Mix in egg whites and pumpkin and banana and beat until it looks frothy like yeast. Add vanilla extract. Fold delicately with baking spatula and then whisk until well incorporated. Turn out onto clean work space dusted with spelt flour and knead for no more then 4 minutes or the delicate gluten will fall apart. Place dough in each bread pan, bake roughly 1 hour in batches of 4. It is ready when it is poked in the center with a skewer and it comes out clean. Let cool until easily handled. Using a sharp knife cut around the edges of each pan and turn out onto cooling racks. Slice and serve once cool. I doubt you can stop at just 1 slice.

Crab and Avocado Quesadilla with avocado salsa


Avocado Sandwich

Avocado Sandwich (Photo credit: J. Chris Vaughan)

I love crab and Avocados, so here’s a recipe I love to have when I got the fixing.  I do sometimes use garlic instead of shallots on occation and do sometimes add corn to the salsa and of course I do sometimes add mint butter/oil. Just simmer some mint in some butter until fried, or olive oil instead of butter.  The crab I recommend most is New England Blue crab if you can get it. The crabs here are nice and sweet, so is maryland blue crab but generally more expensive. A trick to remove those tough slippery round seeds in the avocado is to use your knife and thwack it with the edge hard so it bites into the seed and then you can turn it and twist it out.

Crab and Avocado Quesadilla with avocado salsa

  • 6 ripe Hass avocados, cut in small chunks, divided
  • 2 pint cherry tomatoes, halved, divided
  • 4 Jalapeno peppers, thinly sliced, divided
  • 1/2 cup fresh cilantro leaves, roughly chopped
  • 2 medium shallot, thinly sliced
  • 8 teaspoons lime juice
  • Kosher salt and freshly ground white pepper
  • 3 cup shredded Mexican blend cheese
  • 12 ounces picked crab meat
  • 4 tablespoons chopped scallions, light green parts only
  • 8 (10-inch) corn tortillas
  • 4 tablespoons olive oil, divided

In a serving bowl, combine 2/3 rds of avocado, 2/3 rds of cherry tomatoes, 1/2 of jalapeno, cilantro, shallots, and lime juice. Toss to combine and season with salt and pepper. Set aside. Combine remaining avocado, tomato, jalapeno, cheese, crab meat, and scallions in a medium bowl and toss to mix. Divide mixture evenly between tortillas, covering half of each tortilla and leaving a 1/2-inch gap around the edge. Fold tortillas to close quesadillas. Heat 1 of oil in 10-inch stainless steel skillet over medium heat until scortching. Carefully add two folded tortillas to skillet and cook, shaking pan gently until first side is golden brown and puffed, 1 to 2 minutes. Carefully fip tortillas with a flexible slotted spatula, sprinkle with salt, and cook on second side until golden brown and puffed, 1 to 2 minutes longer. Remove from pan and allow to cool. Cut into wedges and serve with the avocado salsa.

 

The’s king’s apple pie moonshine


Moonshine: People once believed (incorrectly) ...

Moonshine: People once believed (incorrectly) that a blue flame meant it was safe to drink. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is something I have come to enjoy. Apple pie flavored liquor…excellent for cooking even better for drinking.

 

20 gallons apple juice
20 gallons apple jack
10 cans thing of cinnamon stickes
Now start warming it up. When it reaches about 100 degrees add
20 cups dark brown sugar
20 cups palm sugar
Keep cooking and stiring every now and then.
Add a few dashes of cinnamon powder. Not alot.
Cook until it starts to boil, around 225 should be enough. Now let it cool.
One cooled to around 100 degrees you will now add the alcohol all 8.6 gallons of 190 proof appalachian moonshine (illegal, but can use a 50/50 mix of vodka and everclear)

Store in 50 1 gallon jugs.

Enjoy responsibly…

My secret baked onions


This is not really a recipe….but it’s the best baked onions you’ll ever have. There really isn’t much to this. All you need is olive oil, and whole onions. You cannot use red onions for this, they get very bitter. You need white or yellow onions, like vadalia and Spanish onions.

Other onions I like are the italian onions:

Onion Tonda Musona Bianca
Onion Rossa Savonese
Onion Ramata di Milano
Onion Dorata di Parma
Onion Borrettana

I recommend Italian Seeds and Tools for these onion seeds.

You will need wild fennel, also from Italian Seeds and Tools.

I pour 4 tablespoons of Extra Virgin Italian olive oil in a small sauce pan, add in a chopped tablespoon of wild fennel. Then drizzle half of this this over TWO WHOLE ONIONS.  Pop these into the oven, with the tops and roots intact unpeeled. The skin and the top act like aluminum foil. It traps and seals in the juice baking/boiling/roasting it from the inside out, the olive oil browns the outside. I bake two onions for 1 hour.  I’ve done it with up to 6 onions. Once they are come out, they should be wrinkled and brown on the outside and fork tender, like a baked potato. Slice off the tops and bottoms and drizzle with the remaining olive oil. They are as sweet as apples with a intense fennel flavor. Absolutely delicious. If you want, add the sliced tops back onto the onions when you serve them to your guests, they can peel the outside and remove the top themselves providing an interesting eating experiance and they can get that good onion, fennel and olive oil scent that’s been building under the onion top. Soft and delicious. Absolutely delicious give it a try without the fennel and olive oil next time if you’d like to do it without growing any herbs or your own onions.

Chocolate bundt Easter eggs


In the spirit of Easter, I tend to bake stuff. This year I’m going to try to bake cakes into my eggs. So here we go.

Here’s some technical stuff. Volume of an egg

 

I’m using large eggs which is 3 tablespoons and I wanna prevent filling them more then 2/3 rd’s full. So 2 tablespoons of batter per egg. 12 cups worth of batter is 192 tablespoons divided by 2 divided by 12 is 8 cartons of eggs. Yes that’s a lot of eggs. The egg whites and yolks of these eggs will not go to waste. I myself scramble then up regularly, so 8 cartons will last me about a week.

 

First we need to prep the eggs. I do this with a needle poking a hole in both ends, and blowing the egg white and yolk out of the shell into a bowl. I then soak the egg shells in a solution of 1 part vinegar 2 parts water. Leave these over night. The next day let them drain and dry for a day. Once dry the fun begins. You want to remove carefully from one end of the egg some more of the shell. You want it to be big enough to insert your #1 standard decorating tip for a pastry bag. To seal the other end of the egg, I add in 1/2 teaspoon of powdered sugar, and 1/4 teaspoon of olive oil. This mixes in the egg and seals the end, Sometimes it doesn’t seal that’s ok. Now we make the batter.

 

2 cups chocolate porter or stout beer
8 tablespoons unsalted butter, plus more for the pan
3/4 cup natural cocoa powder (non-dutched)
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 cup dark brown sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
3/4 teaspoon fine grain sea salt
3 large eggs
1 1/2 cups plain whole yogurt
3/4 cup pure maple syrup

Preheat oven to 350F, with a rack in the center.

In a saucepan simmer the beer down to 1 cup. Remove from heat, add the butter and stir until melted. Stir in the cocoa powder, mixing until smooth, then set aside to cool, stirring occasionally to let off heat.

In a medium bowl, whisk together the flours, sugar, baking soda, and salt. Set aside.

In a large mixing bowl, combine the eggs, yogurt, and maple syrup. Whisk well, until nicely blended and uniform in appearance. Gradually add the (cooled) stout mixture, stirring all the while. Stir until well blended. Add the flour mixture, folding until just blended, using as few strokes as possible.

Transfer the batter to the eggs by injecting through the pastry bag do not fill more then 2/3rds otherwise the egg will break and bake for 30 minutes-40 minutes at the most. Remove eggs from the oven and let cool. I often bring them in the egg cartons to dinner.

There is no salmonella risk as the temprature gets hot enough to kill off the salmonella bacterium. It is also possible to dye the egg shells before filling them after blowing the egg white and yolk out. It’s fun to peel the eggs only to find that it’s got cake in it! What fun for kids and adults alike? You can do this with any dough you can squeeze through your pastry bag. Could possibly do it with a cookie dough if you can get it to a batter like consistancy.

homemade caramel apple pop tarts


I’m a fiend for pop tarts. I love them like there is no tomarrow. My favorite caramel apple pop tarts. What can I say I’m a kid at heart!

Pastry
4 cups all-purpose flour
2 tablespoon sugar
2 teaspoon salt
2 cup unsalted butter, cut into pats
2 large egg
4 tablespoons milk

2 additional large egg (to brush on pastry)
caramel apple Filling
3/4 cup caramel
3/4 cup apple sauce
2 tablespoon cornstarch mixed with 2 tablespoon cold water
To make caramel apple filling: Mix the apple sauce with the cornstarch/water in a small saucepan. Bring the mixture to a boil, and simmer, stirring, for 2 minutes. Remove from the heat,mix in caramel and set aside to cool. Use to fill the pastry tarts.

Whisk together the flour, sugar, and salt. Work in the butter with your fingers, until pea-sized lumps of butter are still visible, and the mixture holds together when you squeeze it. Whisk the first egg and milk together and stir them into the dough, mixing just until everything comes together, kneading briefly on a well-floured counter if necessary.

Divide the dough in half, shape each half into a smooth rectangle, about pop tart size. You can roll this out immediately or wrap each half in plastic and refrigerate for up to 2 days.

If your dough has been chilled, remove it from the refrigerator and allow it to soften and become workable, about 15 to 30 minutes in a warm kitchen. Place one piece on a lightly floured work surface, and roll it about 1/8″ thick, large enough that you can trim into 18 pop tart sized rectangles.

Beat the additional egg and brush it over the entire surface of the first dough. This will be the “inside” of the tart; the egg is to help glue the lid on. Place a heaping tablespoon of filling into the center of each rectangle, keeping a bare 1/2-inch perimeter around it. Place a second rectangle of dough atop the first, using your fingertips to press firmly around the pocket of filling, sealing the dough well on all sides. Press the tines of a fork all around the edge of the rectangle. Repeat with remaining tarts.

Gently place the tarts on a lightly greased or parchment-lined baking sheet. Prick the top of each tart multiple times with a fork; you want to make sure steam can escape, or the tarts will become pillows rather than flat toaster pastries. Refrigerate the tarts (they don’t need to be covered) for 30 minutes, while you preheat your oven to 350°F.

Sprinkle the dough trimmings with cinnamon-sugar; these have nothing to do with your pop tarts, as my lover says, it’s a shame to not give treats to the chef. While the tarts are chilling, bake these trimmings for 13 to 15 minutes, till they’re golden brown.

Remove the tarts form the fridge, and bake them for 20 to 25 minutes, until they’re a light golden brown. Cool in pan on rack.

You should have 9 pairs of pop tarts ready to eat filled with a nice yummy caramel apple filling.